This morning I was still in bed and was listening to some inspiring music. It was peaceful, relaxing, thoughtful. And as I lie there thinking about the struggles in my life and where I find my hope and strength, something occurred to me. Something that I'm sure a lot of you can relate to. Something, that as a migraine sufferer, I don't experience very often. And that is feeling like myself.
Yesterday was a high tension day. It didn't matter the cause or source. I just had lots of muscle tension and felt on edge. I decided to take my antianxiety meds, even though I usually only take them at night. It helped, I could tell. I wasn't having to stop and take deep breaths as often and my head muscles were much more relaxed. I then later took another one before bed to help me to sleep and keep the tension away.
This morning I woke up very groggy. It was to be expected having taken the medicine last night. I just didn't want to pull myself out of bed yet. And since my youngest was still sleeping, I decided to take advantage of this rare moment.
Now, even though the music was inspiring and soulful, I still had to fight off negative thoughts of: 'You should get Isaac soon, don't let him sleep too late' 'Your not a good parent because you are regretting the moment he wakes up' 'You are being selfish and lazy by staying in bed.' I dispelled these negative thoughts and continued my reflection.
I'm not perfect and never will be. I decided that that is where I find my strength. Knowing that no matter what I do, I will never be perfect, so why beat myself up with those thoughts. It is ok to be flawed. To have damaged genetics.
In this moment of clear thought, I found myself feeling peaceful, happy, no even better, content. That is when I feel most like me. I saw a beautiful crystal clear view of my surroundings. The peace and thankfulness of my home and life. Even in the surface beauty of art I've created in our house.
These moments are rare these days and I think they have been most of my life. We never give up the fight to find relief. We never stop exploring ways to reduce our pain. But sometimes during that battle, I lose sight of me. I fight so hard and am so hard on myself that I forget to just be me and be content in that moment.
I wonder too, what is the price to be paid to be rid of migraines. Sometimes, I'd say keep going, fight for all cost to get control. And sometimes I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle.
It is so important to grasp who we are. As I explore medications and try to find that balance between pain and relief, I wonder what am I sacrificing. Will the next drug put me in such a fog that I will never have those crystal clear moments? I do not like migraines and do not want to experience them. And I do want to reduce the number of them that I have. But I do want to feel comfortable in my skin. I do want to feel contentment. I do want to think clearly. I do want to continue to experience creativity. Most of all, I want to have more moments where I feel like me.